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speed can break your heart

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Nov. 23rd, 2009 | 04:50 pm

I'm sitting in my dark residence hall room with the lights off. Just got off the phone with an old friend from Seattle. He called to inform me of the death of a mutual friend that occured this morning. I don't know if its the call or the fact that it came from Seattle or the circumstances he died under. I suspected even before I was told. All misery emanates from Seattle. This friend enjoyed occasional forays into the bathhouses of Seattle where he would spend days twacked out on speed. I've certainly been there on my fair share of occasions. I don't know that I'm so much shocked by the death but by the circumstances having touched and been so close to that world. Its something I've not spoken or written about. Towards the end of my time in Seattle I spiraled down into a bad place. I was desperately lonely and found the only people who come out in the winter time are the druggy monsters. They didn't scare me per se as much as being that out of control, being that close to death or madness. Madness I suspect more but perhaps the line is the same. I definitely have not reached a place where the chill of death does not still terrify me. I still think about and miss Scott almost daily, certainly in a meaningful way several times a week. I spend so much time covering for my life filled with experiences, being surrounded by 18 year olds, that I don't think this is something I can really reveal to anyone around me. Save for my roommates but we're in our own microcosm here in our room.

There's other stuff going on but I am stretched so bloody thin I just don't have the time to write. Forgive me. Quality over quantity. 2 more weeks of the quarter then winter break. Then, perhaps more entries or at least reflection.

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from: hermes3x3
date: Nov. 24th, 2009 04:02 pm (UTC)

what are you doing over winter break?

I am sorry to hear about your friend. It seems like there is alot of endings going on, on alot of levels.

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from: trickytoro
date: Nov. 25th, 2009 02:13 am (UTC)

I think I'll be home on the 15th of December and I fly out the 2nd. Was hoping to get to Moustache Monday to hear my friend DJ.

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from: mattrem
date: Nov. 29th, 2009 07:29 pm (UTC)

Sorry for your loss. It was watching people I knew die from coke, crystal, special k and everything else that finally pushed me out of bartending so I think I somewhat understand where you're coming from. I certainly understand the walls that go up when you're twice the age of the people around you. Glad you have the security and friendship of your roommate. Winter break will be here before you know it...

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